Why You’re Getting the Ick (and What It Means for Your Relationship)

Why You’re Getting the Ick (and What It Means for Your Relationship)

Have you ever been happily dating someone and then—out of nowhere—you get the ick? One minute you’re feeling connected and attracted, and the next you’re cringing at something as small as flip-flops or the way they chew. That gut-level shift can feel confusing, even alarming. Does getting the ick mean you’re with the wrong person? Or is something deeper happening inside of you?

In this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast, I sat down with therapist and journalist Matt Hussey to unpack the phenomenon of the ick. Together, we looked at where it comes from, why it shows up, and how you can respond in a way that leads to growth and clarity rather than regret.

What Is “the Ick”?

Getting the ick is more than mild annoyance—it’s a visceral, full-body reaction that can flip your attraction into repulsion almost instantly. As Matt explained, the ick is actually rooted in an evolutionary disgust response. This ancient wiring once kept humans safe from disease and danger. In relationships today, it can still kick in when something feels off, even if the trigger seems trivial.

While the internet often reduces getting the ick to funny lists of “micro turn-offs” (like hopping over puddles or using a baby voice with pets), Matt and I dug deeper. Sometimes, the ick is just that—a passing blip. But in other cases, it connects to much bigger themes like perfectionism, fear of intimacy, or unresolved relational trauma.

The Ick vs. a Red Flag

One of Matt’s most important insights, which he also discussed in his Vogue interview ‘Is There Anything to Be Done About “the Ick”?’, is the need to distinguish between an ick and a red flag.

• An ick is usually subjective and quirky: a personal turn-off that most other people wouldn’t notice.
• A red flag signals something more serious, like contempt, manipulation, or emotional unavailability.

Learning to pause and ask yourself, Is this about them, or about me? can help you avoid ending a good relationship prematurely—or staying in a harmful one longer than you should.

Why We Get the Ick

So, why does getting the ick strike when everything seems fine? Here are some of the patterns we explored:

• Biological shifts: Hormonal changes, stress, and even lack of sleep can shape how we feel about our partners.
• Self-protection: Sometimes the ick acts like a defense mechanism, pushing people away when intimacy feels threatening.
• Trauma responses: Past hurts can sensitize us to certain behaviors, making us recoil at reminders of old wounds.
• Perfectionism and control: Holding ourselves or others to impossible standards can turn normal quirks into dealbreakers.

Fantasy vs. reality: When we’re more attached to the idea of someone than the real person, getting the ick often arrives when reality doesn’t match the dream.

How to Handle the Ick

If you find yourself getting the ick, don’t panic—and don’t make snap decisions. Instead, try this approach:

1. Pause before acting. Treat the ick as raw emotional data, not a final verdict on your relationship.
2. Get curious. Ask yourself what this reaction might symbolize. Does it connect to your past? Your fears? Your expectations?
3. Add context. Before blurting out, “Your flip-flops gross me out,” take time to understand what’s really happening for you.
4. Communicate thoughtfully. If the feeling persists and matters to your relationship, share it in a way that invites connection rather than blame.
5. Discern. Ask: Is this a passing quirk, or a sign of something truly incompatible?

As Matt wisely put it: Don’t be scared of the ick. Be curious about it. Ask it questions. You might be surprised what you learn.

Reflect on Your Own Experience

Think back on your own relationships. What has triggered the ick for you in the past? Did it reveal something about your partner—or did it point to something happening inside of you? How might curiosity help you respond differently the next time getting the ick shows up?

Keep Growing Beyond the Ick

If you’d like more support around communication and connection, check out my Communication That Connects Free Training and take the How Healthy Is Your Relationship? Quiz for a clear picture of what’s working and what could use care.

I’d also love to stay connected beyond the podcast—join me on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, where I share tools and inspiration to help you thrive in love, work, and life.

And finally, a special thank you to today’s sponsor: Headway. I adore books, but finding the time to sit down and read isn’t always realistic. That’s why I love the Headway app—it gives me the key takeaways from amazing books in just minutes. You can save 25% when you go to makeheadway.com/lhs and use promo code LHS.

Let’s keep learning and growing together. 🌱

xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Chapters

• 00:00 What Is the Ick?
• 03:00 Getting the Ick in Modern Relationships
• 11:13 Why Curiosity Matters More Than Snap Judgments
• 22:07 Self-Protection, Trauma, and the Ick
• 29:15 How to Handle the Ick in Relationships
• 38:29 Avoidant Attachment and the Ick
• 44:10 Fantasy vs. Reality in Love

Resources:


Collisson, B., Saunders, E., & Yin, C. (2025). The ick: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds. Personality and Individual Differences. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.5022668 

Shell, A., Blomkvist, A., & Mahmut, M. K. (2022). Particular body odors matter: Disgust sensitivity differs across attachment groups. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 52(9), 922–933. https://doi.org/10.1111/jasp.12907 

Zhang, Y. K., Sun, Q., Wen, G. J., & Santtila, P. (2023). Types of disgust sensitivity are differently associated with sexual strategies, mate preference, and perceived sexual norms. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 9(2), 163-176. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-022-00349-6